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I need to stop this.

Once again, I have gotten massively distracted by a lot of stuff. Nothing of any bearing to write about on my religious blog, but if you read my LiveJournal you’ve probably seen my whining.

I’ve recently, inspired by my girlfriend, made up a personal list of days of the month that I’ve assigned to various deities whom I worship. I’m using the lunar month, and am still in the early part of the first month for me, so it’ll be a bit of trial and error.

I’ve been heavily pondering for a few weeks now, depersonalization and its effects on me and how it colors my view of the world, the gods, religion, spirtuality etc (I know, I haven’t written about this here before so it’s a bit nonsequitor if you don’t also read my LJ. I’m slowly working on trying to write something about this and how it affects how I see the gods. Still in the idea stage.) This is also leading to a bit of poetry.

Also think I’m finally getting some inspiration to write an article/essay-ish thing on Apollo and how I see him that I’ve been wanting to do for quite a long time now.  I’m happy for this, and am tentatively referring to it in my head as “Shadows Behind The Light”.

So some things are massively changing in my life- most particularly, right now, my job. I’m going to be going back to a regular Monday-Friday 8-hour-a-day work schedule instead of the crazy 3-day/40-hour schedule I’vew been doing for over two years now. I’m not really happy about it in a lot of ways, but I think it will end up being a good thing for me, and my main hope is that it helps me get my religious activities back on track because I’ll be able to have a normal, regular sleep/work schedule, and therefore will have time for myself every day. Evey day, imagine that! My current position affors me a lot of open time but it’s always with the possibility of incoming work over my head, at any second I can get a call or email that can take anywhere from a few seconds to to or three hours to deal with.  (Five to fifteen minutes is the norm, anything more than half an hour is rare.) But now, time. At home. Mine. Glorious time! Woohoo!

Yes, I do hope that this will be a good thing. I hope to e able to update more. (I hope to have more to write) I hope to be able to figure out what the hell I’m doing here. I hope for a lot of things. We shall see.

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Moving On…

Inspired mostly by my girlfriend‘s virtual shrine to Hermes, and having a bit of time to play around at work tonight, I e hopped on the virtual shrine bandwagon and created one for Apollo. For anyone reading and interested, I have it set up so that anyone may use it and leave virtual candles- feel free to leave one in His honor. It is very simple, with a picture of one of my favorite statues of Apollo and a quote from Hilda Doolittle’s poem Delphi (full text is below, hidden because it’s long). I’ll probably change the picture and text from time to time, but for now it is as it stands.

Continue reading

I recently recieved a comment to my previous post (which is now fairly old.) I have a reasonably good idea as to who made the comment, though as it was anonymous, I don’t know for sure.

But that doesn’t matter. What does matter is that the individual in question has violated my request that coments having to do with the issue in the previous post be made on the other blog as I requested. Memories of Pain and Light is not a blog for politics, attacks and bitching. It is here in honor of Apollo.  I deleted the comment in question out of hand, and will do the same for any others like it.

To Clarify.

Regarding this post about the new hellenistai.com forum:

It has recently been brought to my attention that I am deliberately misleading people into thinking that Hellenismos and Hellenic reconstruction are inclusive of such things as ADF’s Hellenic kin, Hellenic Wicca, and  sundry other things which are in fact not Hellenic reconstruction.

I apologize. Perhaps I am sorely mistaken in my belief that my post clearly conveyed that the forum was for Hellenic reconstructionists, and others of varying degrees of Hellenic interest (“It’s basically aimed at anyone with any sort of Hellenic religious interest from the pure Hellenic reconstructionists to the Hellenic-inspired neopagans to Greco-something else syncretists.”) but I have yet to hear of any confusion on this from anyone else so I was under the impression that the rest of the world understood what I was saying. Oh, boy- look at that egg on my face!

I would very much like to respond to that individual on the forum where this was said, however the owner of said forum has so far not seen fit to activate the account which I registered several days ago. So I am clarifying myself here, and will respond at more length to this individual’s other comments on that forum over on Damn Pagans.

I am certainly not in the business of attempting to mislead people into believing that they practice a religion that they might not in fact practice. It’s not particularly fun, there really isn’t much profit in it and it causes so many headaches much like this one. It’s really quite inconvenient and therefore really not worth wasting time that I could have been doing important things like re-ordering my Netflix queue. (In case you missed it, that was sarcasm and therefore not to be taken seriously. Just pointing that out preemptively so that I don’t find myself needing to make another “clarification” post.)

I’m honestly completely unclear how my statement could be taken to mean “Hellenic neopaganism=Hellenic reconstruction”- even if you take your glasses off and squint really hard through the fog, but clearly someone very talented has managed to sniff it out. A gold star to you, Mister Alexander.

I made these several months ago from white, pale yellow, gold, lavender and bronze pearls and stones that I associate with Apollo- red garnet, pale yellow citrine, iolite, rutilated quartz and sunstone, glass and gold-colored metal beads. I have no particular prayer for these beads, though I would like to eventually write one. For now, they just serve as a focal point.

I made this bracelet earlier today, based on the ritual that I wrote about in my last post. I had been feeling a bit of an itch to swing by my local bead store and possibly put something together for several days now, but I didn’t really know what until I got there. I rememmbered the green oval-shaped beads which sorta remind me of leaves, and several different pink beads which had flowery designs to them. Roses are an item that I frequently offer to Apollo, and I thought it would be a great idea if I could make a bracelet based on the bay leaf devotional- seven leaf beads with rose beads spacing them.

Well, the simple fourteen-bead bracelet that I had in mind didn’t work out. The green beads are rather large, and to string only seven of those together would create a bracelet far too large for my wrist, nevermind the flower beads to space them. Also, to buy fourteen beads of the sort I wanted- seven of the green beads, seven of the flower beads like the large one pictured above would have been extremely expensive.  so I had to look at other options. There were n other green beads to my linking for this project, they had to be the one pictured. There were smaller rose-like beads. So I decided on one large rose bead and two leaf beads,  and for the actual counter beads, seven smaller rose beads. There are twenty-eight smaller spacer beads, their arrangement is merely my aesthetic preference.

(Apologies for the low picture quality- the only digital camera I have at the moment is the sorry VGA camera on my cell phone.)

This is a ritual that I don’t do as often as I really should. It has no particular origin, it just sorta happened on its own and became a somewhat regular thing for me. This is an easy ritual to add things for a longer occasional observance, or to do very simply on a daily or otherwise more frequent basis.

Required:

-Seven bay leaves (I prefer fresh leaves. They’re not quite as easy to find as dried, but some larger grocery stores will have them in their produce department- I’ve found them so far in Wegman’s Safeway and Giant in my area. They are far ess expensive- usually around $2.50 for a whole package instead of several dollars more for a small bottle containing far fewer. The fresh leaves keep for several weeks (I think I’ve had them for up to two months in the time) in the refrigerator. I generally try to offer leaves that are undamaged and have found that dried packaged leaves are often cracked or broken. Another source of fresh leaves, if you have one available to you, would be a bay laurel tree.)

-bowl in which to place the leaves

Optional: candles, incense, beverage to libate

I do this at Apollo’s shrine in my temple room. I generally sit on the floor where I have to look up slightly to see Apollo’s statue. I generally start by lighting one or two candles- I have a stash of Mediterranean Cypress votive candles from Yankee (a scent which is, very sadly, discontinued.)

I light these candles and sit down at the shrine. Generally, I immediately then light a stick of incense (I usually use Wildberry brand peach or awapuhi incense. It used to be Green tea before Wildberry stopped producing it. No particular reason for these scents, they are just what I started using a couple of years ago and have stuck. Sometimes I burn cedar or lemongrass incense instead. They all seem to be favorably received.)

After that, I spend some time meditating on what my intention is- the intention of this ritual has generally either been to thank Apollo for blessings, or to make offerings that are more abstract in nature.

When I am ready, I take the leaves one at a time, pick each one up, hold it in my hands, and concentrate on what it is that I’m offering or thanking him for. I mentally place my offering/thanks into the leaf, and place the leaf in the offering dish (you could also write your thoughts on larger leaves with a fine-point pen). I do this for all seven leaves.

Sometimes, after that, I’ll pour a libation- usually white wine)- over the leaves. Alternately, I also sometimes will pour the wine into the bowl first and place the leaves in the wine. There’s no real difference in the order.

After this, I generally will meditate or do other things at my shrine until the incense is burned out.

When it’s time to dispose of the leaves, do so when and how you see fit. I end to let the leaves fill up the bowl and then put them all into a plain wooden box that you can get at craft stores. When the box is full, I re-offer the entire thing by way of burning in a ritual fire.

New Hellenic Web Forum

Well RJ over at Urban Hellenistos decided to make himself a Hellenic web forum.  Asked me to be moderator so he could slack off.

What does that mean?

That, my dear readers means that yours truly is going crazy stickying threads and compiling lists of links and ancient hymns and stuff.  So go “ooh” and “ahh” over my efforts already.

Oh, um, and RJ might have something to do with it too.  I think this is going to be a rather cool forum.  It’s basically aimed at anyone with any sort of Hellenic religious interest from the pure Hellenic reconstructionists to the Hellenic-inspired neopagans to Greco-something else syncretists. And we’ve got a sense of humor about ourselves too. So come check it out.Doesn’t matter if you’re so new you’ve never even heard of Homer, or you’ve been around the block a few times, it’s turning out really well so far and it’s only been a few days.

Poetic Ambitions….

Though only a handful seem to be widely known (Daphne, Khyparissos, Hyakinthos and a few others), Apollo is a god of many loves, some of whom are only ever given a single line or two in any of the ancient writings.

I was thinking it might be interesting to see how many of these have enough material to retall a story, or perhaps to even speculate a story for the purposes of poetry. This, I think, could be an interesting project. Would make a great book if there was enough material.

Oooh, now I have ideas.

How could I not have loved the beautiful god
whose hair and skin are like gold
and whose eyes burn a cool fire?

He spoke to me in a voice so sweet,
words flowed from his tongue like silk.
And the songs he sang, so lovely, surely the Muses
must weep at their beauty.

(And a few, I think, would elicit a blush
even from Erato herself, though this is never mentioned
in the stories they tell of a god such as He.
It wouldn’t be proper.)

And when he desired for me to come with him to his bed,
he promised me no great gifts of unerring prophecy or any
dazzling trinkets that gods may offer in the moment of seduction,
but I had no care for these anyway;
He but asked and I went willing, for a song,
for one night that has burned itself on my soul.

In time I found that one night had left its mark
upon more than my soul, and soon I was to have a child.
A son I would have loved, but for shame cannot keep.
If I told, none would believe that he was
begotten by a god.

Four days past, in a hidden thicket I lay,
pangs of the birth like no pain I’ve ever felt before.
He sent to my side help, the birth-goddess and the Fates.
When it ended, I cried in relief, and I cried in joy, short-lived
and love for the child, so small,  now in my arms.

It is with great anguish I chose to do this thing.
I don’t know how I will live with it, I’ll worry about that later.
If I think twice now, I’ll turn back.

In this field of violets, surrounded by honeybees, I’ll lay him down.
I’ll walk away, and I won’t look back.
No doubt he will perish, but I will pray for a miracle and try to forget
this child of mine and of the god of light.

One night that has burned itself upon my soul
Now has torn my heart in two.

(If you read my previous post, you know that I have not told the entire story here. Also, if you haven’t figured out, I’ve taken some reasonable artistic license and fabricated some detail. This is a departure from my normal writings,but I think I will be trying this sort of thign again in the future.)

I give you Evadne (As told by Pindar, that is. My poem is still in progress.) Now that I’ve found the Pindaric ode I was looking for, which seems to be the main source of this myth, aside from a tiny handful of much shorter references, I can finish and post it. In my search, I did find a rather interesting article of some linguistic analysis of this ode. (Unfortunately, this analysis comes in the form of a PDF article from JSTOR, which I’ve no license to distribute to the public.)

But now, for your reading pleasure, one of the not-so-well-known myths into which Apollo figures:

Pindar, Olympian Ode 6. 28 – 73 (trans. Conway) (Greek lyric C5th B.C.) :

“Today must we begone beside Eurotas’ stream, to journey . . . to Pitane. She [Pitane, eponym of the town], so they tell, was loved of great Poseidon, son of Kronos, and bore the babe Euadne, child of the crown of violet tresses, hiding the pains of maiden motherhood beneath her robe. But when the month was come of labour’s term, she sent her handmaids and bade them give the child for watch and ward to Eilatos’ hero son [Aipytos] at Phaisana, who ruled in Arkadia, and dwelt by Alpheios’ stream. There was the young babe nursed and grown, and by Apollon’s love first knew the touch of Aphrodite’s joy.

Yet could she not from Aipytos keep hidden through all her time the divine seed she bore. And he, struggling in bitter strain to hold within his heart a wrath unbearable, to Pytho straight departed, to seek a ruling of the oracle for this most grievous woe. But she laid by beneath a thicket’s shade her silvered urn, and she let fall her crimson girdle and bore a son, inspired of heaven. And to serve at her side Apollon, god of the golden locks, sent Eileithyia the kindly goddess, and the Moira (Fates) divine.

And from her body’s travail and the pains that were but sweet delight, was born Iamos, sped forth to the bright light of day. And she in her soul’s anguish left the babe there on the ground. But by the will of heaven there came to nourish him, with gentle care, the sweet and harmless venom of the bees.

Then came the king [Aipytos], riding in haste from rocky Pytho, and from all the household demanded of the child Euadne bore, saying he was begotten of Phoibos [Apollon], and should be beyond all others a peerless prophet for the race of man, and that his seed should last for ever. So he declared it to them. But all vowed they had not heard nor seen aught of the babe, the five days of his infant being. For in a deep brake had he lain concealed, a pathless waste, and o’er his tender limbs flowers of gold and purple splendour, pansies [i.e. violets, Greek ia] shed their rays upon him; thence was it his mother for all time proclaimed that he be called of men Iamos, this his immortal name.

And when he won youth’s joyous fruit, fair Hebe’s gleaming crown, he went to the midwaters down of Alpheios’ stream, and called aloud to the god of far-spreading might, Poseidon, his ancestor, and to the archer god ruler of heaven-built Delos, and this prayer he spoke, at night, beneath the starlit sky : that on his brow be laid the honour to be the shepherd of his people. Brief and clear called his father’s voice, answering `Rise my son, hence to the place where all men meet, bearing my bidden word.’

And they came to the lofty rock, where rules the high-throned son of Kronos [i.e. Zeus at Olympia]. There he gave him of the seer’s art this twofold treasure; first that he hear the voice that knows no lie; and when that Herakles, brave heart and hand, revered son of Alkides’ seed, should come to establish to his father’s name the feast where many a countless foot shall tread, with the ordinance of games and contests greatest of all [i.e. the Olympic Games], then shall the second honour, his oracle, high on the supreme altar of Zeus be set. Thus he ordained.

Thenceforth for all the sons of Iamos’ seed [i.e. the Iamides] through all Hellas their race holds high renown; and fortune’s day attended them; to deeds of noble grace paying due honour they tread their way of light.”

…working on a few things. At the moment, I think I have a good bit going on a poem that I had originally started about a year ago based on the myth of Evadne (Before you comment just to let me know, I am well aware that as I write this, the link isn’t working right now. It seems that Theoi.com is having some issues. But fear not, I am sure it will return soon. Just keep checking from time to time)

It’s one of the more obscure myths, and unfortunately, I can’t find anyhitng more than a one-line summary anywhere else, so I can’t look up some of the details that I want to check out right now. (I’m waiting for an article from JSTOR that might help with some bits, but I’m not holding my breath.)

I may post the first iteration before I can look up the details, not sure yet. Probably will depend on how long it takes to get my needed research done.

On writing about Apollo…

I originally posted this to my LiveJournal, where someone asked me to write about Apollo in response to a meme.  Since it’s relevant, I also posted it here.

The fact of the matter is that I don’t really know how to write about Apollo in a way that even begins to do Him any sort of justice. Every time I try, I grow stronger in the belief that human language is just not sufficient. How do you explain infinity? How do you describe the brightest light you’ve ever seen, the most beautiful sight to ever reach your eyes or the greatest terror you’ve ever known? And how can you explain that yes, it is okay- even advisable- to place your trust in the source of that terror?

I can always start to write about him, but after a few sentences or a short paragraph, I can’t continue. Why? there is plenty to write about…that’s the problem, there is so much to write about, so much that can be said, but I can never really say it. The thoughts which, in my head were perfectly fine, become imprecise, faulty and unbeautiful when they see the light of the page or screen.

At best, I can reasonably write about my own feelings. This is probably why I write so much in the way of poetry about him, and why it tends to be so personal, because even if I can’t quite get the exact word, I can find something close enough. Whereas with Apollo himself, thre is no such thing as “close enough”.

Believe me, I am trying to find a way, because I would really love to write a book about him.

Gravity

This is a really beautiful  song by Vienna Teng that I associate very strongly with Apollo most particularly for the lyrics in the final stanza:

Hey, love
I am a constant satellite
Of your blazing sun
My love
I obey your law of gravity
This is the fate you’ve carved on me

It’s available on her website in mp3 format- http://viennateng.com/listen/ (it’s the last song on the page, click the link to listen or right click and save link to download)

Yesterday morning, I was talking to Sannion and mentioned this song being stuck in my head for several hours. He wanted to hear it, so went off in search and found this video on Youtube…it’s nothing but a bunch of still shots and videos of, if you can believe it, wolves.  (Really, taken on its own, it’s not all that interesting, but coming across it now, with this song, that’s pretty laoded for me.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G2cJabIxHRU

I’ve been seriously thinking for a while of getting those lines tattooed on me somewhere. I received another swipe by a wolf’s claws over the weekend in a trance while doing a ritual. This was on my upper left arm. I think that’s where it’s going to go.

I’m seriously considering this font:

http://www.dafont.com/marka.font?nb_ppp=50

or this one: http://www.dafont.com/joehand-2.font

Dali is always a favorite http://www.dafont.com/dali.font

Another that I like, but probably way too thin for tattoo work: http://www.dafont.com/honey-i-stole-your-.font

Been A While…

I am still here. Yes, I know, you’ve been positively dying for my posts. Hahaha. Well, things have been a little wacky. Between holidays and a bunch of other stuff, I had a sort of period of disconnect that just wouldn’t go away. Finally figured it out, I’m reasonably sure it was a subconscious reaction to some things that should not have bothered me in that way (It was stuff that didn’t actually pertain to me.)

Not much new here since I’m just picking up again. The poetry stopped too it seems. Hopefully to be more soon. The only new thing to come down the pike is that I am to develop active relationships with Asteria and Leto. Hmm.

Absence

I probably will not be posting anything for another week here. In about an hour, I will leave work. From there, I will go home and do a few last minute things, collect my bags and my girlfriend and be off to the train station for Christmas travel to Pennsylvania and Massachusetts. I’ll be in PA til Friday, where I will have internet access, though probably won’t make much use of it. In Massachusetts from Friday til Monday, I will not be getting on the internet. Hope everyone has a merry Christmas or a happy non-celebratory Thursday, whatever your preference.

In case you were wondering…

Yes, I’m quite aware that the poetry that I’ve posted recently here is somewhat graphic and violent.  I think that  most of the people currently reading this are at least somewhat aware of its origin, but just in case…this poetry has been inspired by a long string of dreams and meditative visions that it seems, are shaping up to be one of the defining characteristics of my relationship to Apollo. I will probably post them here eventually, I’ve not entirely decided just yet.

As terrifying and painful as it can be, I have no desire for it to be any different.

The Hazards of Devoted Cultus

I ran across this blog post yesterday at Of Thespiae yesterday while surfing blogs. At this point in time, I have no need, want or right to jab indignantly at this post and say “See, I worship all the gods too! I don’t ignore them in favor of Apollo!!!!!”* But I think it’s worth linking because there people out there who are under the impression that everyone or at least most who is highly devoted to a specific deity or small group thereof is ignoring all the rest in the pantheon.

The Hazards of Devoted Cultus

One of the problems I’ve encountered with having highly devoted cult reverence to Eros, Apollon, and The Muses (of course, it seems that Apollon bloggers are a dime-a-dozen these days, heck, I list three of them in my side-bar) is that there are going to be misconceptions amongst co-religionists who do not participate in your cult reverence. Oi Theoi. Here are two of the most highly misconceived things about cult practise:

*I confess myself extremely Apollo-centric, in case you haven’t noticed. I do not worship Him exclusively, but very close to it lately.

Past the Roadblock…

If you’re reading this now, chances are good you’ve already read it on my Live Journal. But in the spirit of chronicling my religious experience, I copy this here. This is from this past Friday night. It’s interesting to note that these thigns usually come up when I’m sleeping, in dreams. This is only the first or secomd time that something like this has come up that I wasn’t asleep.

Well, the cold is gone. There’s the occasional little bit of cough, but that is going to be around for a while yet. Doesn’t really mean anything.

So I settled down in the temple room, and within a few minutes, had drifted elsewhere. I kept thinking about him asking me to come to him. I know it would mean a venture of sorts, but I didn’t think it would go quite this far…

I was in a place that looked like the Swiss Alps- at least as I remember them from when I traveled through Switzerland thirteen years ago. i don’t know what I was doing there, but I was there. I came upon a mountain that jutted up much higher than the others. It reminded me of the Materhorn, (I’ve no doubt that was the basic visual that my brain was using for building this place.)The mountain was completely covered in snow and ice, even much closer to the base, where all the surrounding mountains had a tree line, this one had none. I started to climb the mountain, though I was not equipped to do that. I was not dressed appropriately I was wearing ordinary sneakers. But I climbed, sometimes able to walk along a steep path, other times literally climbing over snow banks and ice formations. I was afraid of frostbite, and falling and sunburn and windburn. As I ascended, it got colder and the wind blew harder. The soles of my shoes wore through. My clothing became tattered.

Finally, near the top, I came upon a glittering temple of crystal and white marble. it seemed to be clinging to its perch so far above the world. This was not the temple of previous dreams, but like that temple so many times before, I was expected. The doors swung open at my approach. I was so cold by this point, I felt like ice water ran through my veins. I thought I should have died long ago of hypothermia.

The temple inside was as cold as it was outside. It seemed to glow from the light shining through its crystal walls. I walked a few steps in and nearly collapsed in exhaustion as the door slammed closed behind me, and then I felt a burning just above the base of my spine. It spread through me briefly, agonizing, like my nervous system had been lit on fire. After a moment, the burning receded so that it was confined to my spine, the rest of me remained reasonably warm after that, while my spine continued to burn.

And then He appeared., tall and golden, painfully beautiful. Previously, He was always tall, taller than most mortal men but not inhumanly tall. Here, He must have been ten feet, maybe more. His presence was overwhelming, more intense than anything I’ve ever known, I felt like He could crush me with barely a thought. And He was brilliant, blinding and more real than I had ever known before. He didn’t say a word. He didn’t need to. It was as if up here, so far above the world, everything was so much clearer.

He started walking towards the rear of the temple. I followed. There was an altar there, carved of white marble. It was bare- no cloth, no offerings. The light streaming in was brightest here. By this point, I knew why it was bare. I realized now that I was no longer wearing clothing, though I had never actually removed what had remained of what I had been wearing. Silently and slowly, He began to transform and soon I was facing an enormous wolf. He let out a low growl, circled around behind me and slashed at my back with His claws, down one side and a second time down the other. The pain was agonizing, I was bleeding. He circled back in front of me, transformed back into His familiar form, picked me up and placed me on the altar face-down. blood running down my sides stained the white marble. He disappeared for a moment and returned, I could see something glinting in His hands, but my vision was blurred from the pain and the light surrounding me. He came and stood beside the altar and leaned over me. I felt my skin being pierced, and then again. I realized that He was sewing the gashes in my back. The pain of the unanesthetized stitching melded with the pain of the gashes and my spine, still burning. The touch of His hands, usually a relief, afforded none this time. Then he started to sew another gash, and he was not just sewing. I felt a weight settle against my back, along the length of the gash, unfamiliar. He did the same for the final gash. When He finished, He picked me up and made me stand, blood dried all over me and the previously pristine altar. A mirror was placed in front of me and I could see what the foreign weight was- He had sewn swan’s wings to my shoulders.

Right now, for whatever reason, my back is a little hypersensitive, even more than usual. Gavin’s touching me, even just a little bit, feels like electrical shocks through my spine.

Before all this, I sat for a while, lighting some incense and a cypress candle. I didn’t follow it, but while I was doing this, I felt a strange compulsion to stick my finger in the candle flame, or to grab the burning end of the incense. It was odd.

Should I?

I’ve been debating with myself for a while now as to just how much I want to post here. I created this blog for discussing my religion, including the more personal, not so conventional stuff.

I used to write everything on my Live Journal, right out there in the open…and then some things veered off in very unexpected directions, so I filtered things- lightly at first, just a few particular posts. Then last spring, I inadvertently got into some nasty Intarwebz Drah-mah(tm) and very quickly started locking down all but the more conventional stuff. The headaches ended pretty quickly for me, but my girlfriend ended up getting picked on pretty nastily for a while.

I created this blog quite a few months after that passed, intending to talk more openly about Teh Cray-Zee as it came up, even wrote up a little disclaimer informing the world that I do, in fact, see a Qualified Mental Health Professional (TM) on a regular basis, who is familiar with my religious beliefs, practices and experiences, and despite all this, he’s yet to tell me that I’m delusional or making it all up or just wanting to feel like Speshul Snowflake, so if anyone wants to make that call and feels that they’re more qualified than the therapist that I see, I’ll be happy to refer them to him.

Well, there are intentions for what to do when something happens…and then things actually happen. For the first time since I created this blog, I’ve had something that I consider big enough to call into question. Do I post it or don’t I?

And earlier tonight, I was talking to a friend about just this and the conflict that I felt between not wanting to deal with what some people might say, and actually wanting to write about this. Knowing that my particular understanding of Apollo is pretty uncommon and if for no other reason than that, feeling a certain obligation to write about it, and about my experiences, hoping to draw out others with similar views, and to make my own sense of it.

I’m going to write about it here. Hopefully I won’t feel the need to question it again. This is mine and this is about Him and for Him.

Annoying Roadblock

I really hate being sick, and what’s the worst about it for me this time around is that it’s been a roadblock in my figuring out some things in the last week or so, spiritually

In my meditation attempt last night, I actually managed to get my brain to a place I wanted to be..but when I did I quickly drifted off to completely unrelated things. curiously enough, as soon as I realized this and tried to get back on focus, I felt a hand holding mine. My immediate conclusion was that it was my girlfriend, that she must have taken my hand at that moment, it felt that concrete and solid. But she was asleep in the bedroom, I was in our temple room. As soon as it looked like I was actually getting into something relevant was when I started hacking my brains out. Go figure. However, it looks like that is going to be a priority once this cold passes. i just want it gone. I’ve had a cough and a stuffed up nose and sometimes a sore throat (from the coughing) for nearly two weeks now. So far tonight, my coughing has been minimal. This is a good sign since the worst coughing has been at night. I would really like to be able to try to work on this over the next weekend, and the directive was that I come to him again when I’m better. I’ve also had an offer of a third party seeing if they could pick up any insight, which is appreciated.

In the meantime, I’ve been given inspiration to write some poetry, so I will be working on that. it will be mostly very personal, though a few months back I started writing something based on the myth of Evadne, if I can find it, I will probably pick that back up. It’s not the sort of myth that generally interests me but at the time I had read it and a beginning that I really liked leaped to mind so I wrote it down. If I can’t find it again, hopefully I can at least remember the gist of it.

The other little detail that dropped from above, it seems that it would behoove me to become more consistent in my ritual structure.

Songs for the God of Song

Been trying for quite some time now to compile a list of songs that remind me of Apollo. Slowly, I am finding them. Very slowly. Here’s what I’ve got so far:

Airlock- Alpha
Airlock- Quiet Hour
Violet Indiana- Sky
Mr. Mister- Kyrie*
Rhea’s Obsession- Dreaming Blade
The Moody Blues- The other Side Of Life
The Moody Blues- Breaking Point
Vienna Teng- Gravity

*Yes. I am well aware of the meaning of “kyrie”/”kyrie eleison”, thanks.

A little progress…

Two posts ago, I explained the origin of my blog’s name, which comes from the beginnings of an essay that I started months ago. in the last week, I’ve made a little (very little) progress on that, so here is what I have so far:

I know Apollo as a highly complex god with more layers than I will ever imagine. He is a god with solar connections, but he is not god of the sun. He is not civilized- that is a human concept, he is a god, and you will never forget that he is a god. He is beautiful and perfect in ways that can only be glimpsed in brilliant fractions of a second at a time, so vast, like the moment when it suddenly dawns on you for an instant just how big infinity really is.

He is a god of many lights. He is a warm golden glow of safety and joy. He is the brightest light, which casts the darkest shadow. He is the light that shines into the dark: He is the light of truth and truth is often painful. The absolute light that leaves no crevice in shadow. In the light that drowns out all shadow, there is only truth. It’s the cold, cruel, surgical light which allows no room for denial. It hurts. Often unbearably- healing does not come easily, and there is no exception when it is granted by Apollo. But after it hurts, it heals. When it heals, there is the memory of pain and light.

Apollo is a god of binary oppositions. The face of a coin cannot exist without its reverse. He is a god of health and plague, of light and dark, of creation and destruction. Through Apollo, I have experienced some of those oppositions first had: when healing is painful, pain is healing. The deepest dark is found in the brightest light, the brightest light in the deepest dark and the most profoundly powerful place means being tied up, helpless and delirious.

Slowly, the words come to me. Describing Him from where I stand is no easy task. Human language is simply not sufficient, I am making do as best as I can.

Why ‘Pain and Light’?

This comes from an essay that I started writing some months back. One that I hope to finish. Someday. It’s about Apollo and my understanding of him, and has been amazingly difficult to write. I can talk forever about Him. Writing about it is another story.

Here’s what I have to date:

I know Apollo as a highly complex god with more layers than I will ever imagine. He is a god with solar connections, but he is not god of the sun. He is not civilized- that is a human concept, he is a god, and you will never forget that he is a god. He is beautiful and perfect in ways that can only be glimpsed in brilliant fractions of a second at a time, so vast, like the moment when it suddenly dawns on you for an instant just how big infinity really is.

He is a god of many lights. He is a warm golden glow of safety and joy. He is the brightest light, which casts the darkest shadow. He is the light that shines into the dark: He is the light of truth and truth is often painful. The absolute light that leaves no crevice in shadow. In the light that drowns out all shadow, there is only truth. It’s the cold, cruel, surgical light which allows no room for denial. It hurts. Often unbearably. But after it hurts, it heals. When it heals, there is the memory of pain and light.

The farther I go, the more memories I have of pain and light. These two ideas, the pain and the light, are critical and central to my relationship with Apollo. This I will discuss in more depth as time goes on. He has been a presence in my life for several years now and I’m only just barely starting to figure it out…

I’m terrible at writing them. At least, as pertains to my own site. If I go to someone else’s site and need to write an intro, hey, no problem. Go figure.

I’ve started this blog for the purpose of tracking my religious life, making sense of some of the experiences I’ve had, and posting related writing such as poetry, essays and dreams.